Scene: A poorly-lit ski shop in the middle of winter.
[Two knitters walk into the shop, chatting about hand knit hats. They glance at a skier standing in the corner, facing away from them.]
Knitter 1: Wow, I wonder how this hat is made. Look at that stitch pattern.
[The skier turns around slowly, dressed in a stylish hooded jacket and snow pants.]
[Lightning flashes, revealing the skier’s face- a cable knitted in a blue-white hand spun.]
[Knitter 1 and 2 scream and try to run.]
[Cableface trips the knitters with yarn and strangles them with the cable of her circular needle.]
[Cableface turns to the camera and holds up her wickedly sharp metal DPNs. Chilling music plays.]
Coming soon to theaters near you. Unrated.
Seriously, people, I think we’re in real danger here. Think about the dangerous weapons that we work with. Sharp needles. Cable needles are really just pointy-ended garrotes. Yarn has so many nefarious uses; cheap acrylic could easily be used to torture someone. DPNs could be lethal projectiles. Poison stitch markers- well, maybe that’s going too far.
I’m not sure if Cableface is just a horribly scarred knitter using a cabled mask to hide her identity while she murders other knitters or if she’s a half-finished, partly frogged and scorned piece of knitwear that’s turned evil from neglect. But either way, I think we need to be wary. She’s obviously unhinged and cold. She also might enjoy skiing or boarding when not killing people. It is our job as members of the knitting community to keep our eyes out for this criminal and to warn others. Call the police immediately if you see Cableface. I’m sure there’s a reward. If they’re smart, it’ll be paid in cashmere.